


At The Foot Of Your Love

by ChameleonCircuit



Series: I Don't Wanna Get Over You [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Depression, again not explicitly mentioned but definitely present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 16:30:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11787033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: How could he explain that sometimes, it wasn’t that easy? How could he explain the pathetic state he’d got himself in, unable to move, or even bring himself to send a text? He knew it was ridiculous, and saying it out loud would feel even more ridiculous. He’d given Sonny so many reasons to leave him - it would be just one more thing on the already too-high pile that would eventually drive him away.





	1. Chapter 1

Rafael woke to the sound of his phone buzzing next to his head. He ignored it, rolling over, when guilt struck him hard in the chest and he chanced a look at the clock on his side table. It was just after 8pm. He was supposed to meet Sonny for dinner at 7:30. There was always an understanding that one of them would possibly be late, but they always called if it was going on half an hour. Always. It was their unspoken rule. And he’d just broke it.

 

His phone started buzzing again, and he stared at it as it lit up on the pillow beside him, whirring away, Sonny’s smiling face filling up the screen. He felt sick as he flipped it over so he wouldn’t have to look at it.

 

He knew he should get up. He knew he should tidy himself, apologise to his boyfriend, and make his way to the restaurant as quick as possible.

 

Instead, he buried deeper into the covers, wishing his bed would swallow him whole.

 

When his phone started vibrating for the fifth time, guilt forced him to sit up and take the phone in his hands. He almost answered, his thumb hovering just above the green button, ready to swipe, when an indescribable, overwhelming fear screamed from his gut, up into his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He dropped the phone back down, his head hitting the pillow at the same time, a small, frustrated moan leaving his mouth.

 

This was pathetic, and he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to make any kind of decision. The guilt of ignoring his perfect, sweet, kind, understanding boyfriend and the reservation he had made for their 6 month anniversary (though he knew Sonny would never say as such - Rafael would tease him relentlessly for that level of sentimentality) was opening up inside his stomach, filling him with the all-too-familiar sense of worthlessness - he wasn’t worthy of Sonny and he knew it. But the stupid, debilitating fear of picking up the phone, of changing his clothes, of heading out that front door, out into the world full of _other people_ was overwhelming. So the guilt and the fear waged war inside him while he sat paralysed, a mere spectator to the most pathetic shit-fight imaginable while the rest of the world moved on outside his apartment.

 

He remained curled up on his side, internally debating, long after his phone stopped buzzing. Even without the reminder of his guilt, he still felt it deep in the pit of his stomach, and every time he thought of Sonny’s face his stomach swooped, the guilt piling on tenfold, and all he could do was bury his face into his pillow with his eyes tightly shut as he tried to convince himself to just send him an apology text, if nothing else.

 

What he wanted more than anything was to go back to sleep, the lingering effects of his earlier migraine still making him feel disoriented and sleepy, but his dark cloud had settled and it wouldn’t let him rest.

 

Rafael didn’t hear the lock on his front door click, but just as he thought he could hear footsteps, a soft voice called to him from his living room.

 

“Raf? You okay?” Sonny called to him tentatively.

 

He felt he could cry then, but he didn’t. He stayed still and quiet, paralysed now with shame, regretting ever giving Sonny an emergency key to his flat.

 

Sonny appeared, silhouetted in Rafael’s door frame, the smell of Chinese food wafting into the room ahead of him. He had to squint to look at Sonny from the darkness of his own room with the light from the rest of the house behind him.

 

“I can go, if you like?” Sonny whispered, which caused the corners or Rafael’s lips to twitch upward. There was no need to whisper.

 

“Stay,” he said softly, motioning for his partner to join him on the bed.

 

Sonny placed the bag of food on the dresser before planting himself delicately next to Rafael on the bed, extending his arm above Rafael’s head so he could scoot closer, resting his head on his chest, listening to his heart beat.

 

“I was worried,” Sonny whispered against his hair. “Thought you were… I dunno, you could have been dead. I was worried you were.”

 

Guilt caused Rafael to physically flinch, and he tilted his head upward to kiss Sonny’s jaw. It sounded just a touch over-dramatic, but in their line of work, over-dramatic was sadly all too real more often than not.

 

“I’m sorry.” It was all he had. It wasn’t enough, but what more could he say?

 

“Nah, it’s okay. Just… maybe text me next time?”

 

“It’s… yeah, okay.”

 

How could he explain that sometimes, it wasn’t that easy? How could he explain the pathetic state he’d got himself in, unable to move, or even bring himself to send a text? He knew it was ridiculous, and saying it out loud would feel even more ridiculous. He’d given Sonny so many reasons to leave him - it would be just one more thing on the already too-high pile that would eventually drive him away.

 

“I dunno, maybe… We gotta have a plan in place, yeah? A ‘the world is too much right now, but I’m alive’ plan. I dunno what yet, but we’ll think of something.”

 

Rafael let out a shaky breath and squeezed Sonny’s free hand in his own. It was times like these that he felt so inferior, and yet so lucky. He shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but the depths of Sonny’s acceptance and desire to work with him without complaint always astounded him.

 

“I see you brought food,” Rafael said, smiling now as he lifted himself off the bed.

 

There was no point wallowing in his idiocy. Especially not when there was someone to bear witness, and not when that someone's very presence made him feel so much lighter.

 

“Yeah,” Sonny said with a laugh, hopping off the bed and scooping the bag up as he passed. “Brought my favourite movie, too.”

 

He held up his copy of Terminator with a waggle of his brows, and Rafael rolled his eyes, grabbing the bag from his hand to go serve their food up.

 

“What, Terminator not your style?” Sonny teased, snaking his arms around Rafael’s middle as he tried to serve their food.

 

“Do I look like the kind of person who enjoys Terminator?” He huffed, shrugging Sonny off him as he feigned annoyance.

 

But he wore a smile as they sat too close together on the lounge, and though he’d never admit it, he rather enjoyed watching Terminator. He figured it had more to do with Sonny’s excited commentary than anything else, but he enjoyed it nonetheless.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same story as chapter one, just told from Sonny's POV :)
> 
> I just... Really want a Sonny Carisi in my life, sigh.

Sonny huffed out a breath, angling himself away from the eyes of the staff in the restaurant. He wouldn’t have felt embarrassed waiting for Rafael, who was running more than a little late, if they didn’t keep eyeing him with pity, like he was being stood up.

He fished out his phone, noting the time as 8:02, and decided to call him, just to make sure. Their unspoken rule was no more than half an hour - calling wouldn’t seem needy, right?

When Rafael didn’t answer, he called back again.

“Hey Raf, it’s me,” he began once he reached voicemail. “You’re probably on your way. Or held up in a meeting. But try and let me know, yeah? I’ll start to think ya don’t love me. Call me back.”

The weak joke left a bitter taste in his mouth as he hung up, doubt clouding into the edges of his mind. It was their 6 month anniversary, and while he didn’t wanna put pressure on it meaning anything, it meant a hell of a lot to Sonny. The longest relationship he’d ever had had been just shy of 6 months, but he couldn’t admit that out loud. He knew, at his age, how pathetic that sounded. But he also knew that his usual over-enthusiasm was more than a decent cover up for wanting to celebrate a 6 month milestone, if anyone asked.

8:11.

He called again, and again.

“Raf, if you’re not dead, I might kill you myself,” he joked feebly, adding a shaky laugh, though his heart wasn’t in it. He was worried now. “Please call me back. Or text. Just a text will do.”

He sighed, glancing back at the waitress waiting to seat people, and felt his stomach twist at the pity in her eyes. Was he being stood up? Was this Raf’s subtle way of letting him down, of lowering his expectations so he could break it off? Had he been too much?

He thought they were in a good place, navigating their heavy work schedules, and both of their dark days. He knew Raf’s dark days were far darker than his. He knew that cloud hung over him 90% of the time, and when it threatened to swallow him completely, it lasted longer than he was willing to get on. Sonny could see it in his eyes when he smiled, when he made them breakfast by way of apology (which was never necessary, but Sonny knew better to say anything), when his witty comments were less biting, or sometimes at their most biting. Maybe he hadn’t been supportive enough. Maybe that was it?

8:17. He called again.

“Raf. Please. I’m coming to yours, with food, and if…” he paused, his mind filling with the images of what he could find, what could be the cause of his partners silence, and he let out a shaky breath. “See ya soon.”

He pocketed his phone and strode down to the Chinese place just down the road, unable to look back at the pity waiting for him in the restaurant.

He had to keep telling himself, over and over, that Rafael wasn’t in danger, or hurt, or dead. He had to stop that panic that came from knowing just how bad it could be. The more reasonable explanation was that he was stuck in a meeting, or he’d simply forgot. 

Or, his mind began, but he shut it down.

As he waited for their order in the small Chinese restaurant, he checked his phone again, unable to hold back the sigh as he read 8:23.

He was bringing dinner to Raf on the off chance he was trapped in darkness. He’d seen the way the ADA struggled to get out of bed some days, struggled to even acknowledge him until Sonny did something to make him smile. He’d seen the way he went through his morning routine like a zombie, pausing as he swallowed his first mouthful of coffee, a look of pure dread on his face that he probably wasn’t aware was even visible. Sonny had seen the way he worked himself up before going to a function for the DA’s office, huffing as he changed clothes, pausing between each item to convince himself he was fine. Sonny knew Raf thought he hid it well, so he wasn’t willing to let on just how much he saw.

But of course he saw. How could he not. Once he’d been allowed in, once Rafael had lowered his walls for him, Sonny could see everything. He figured a part of it was that he was well trained in two fields that required a solid understanding of how people worked, along with a sharp eye for behavioural patterns and small tells. But another part of it was that, simply, when Rafael was hurting, Sonny hurt for him. He could feel it almost as though it were his own.

“Thanks,” he muttered, then flashed the girl at the counter an extra big smile to make up for his brooding.

He passed a second hand DVD store with ‘Terminator’ on display in the window, and decided, on a whim, to grab it. He absolutely knew it wouldn’t be Raf’s kind of movie, but he figured a night of winning him over should make for light entertainment, which was what was needed.

His stomach was doing somersaults the whole way to Rafael’s front door. He didn’t bother knocking, knowing that if he was in there, hiding from the world, a knock at the door would be no good. Instead, he let himself in quietly with his key, spare hand already resting on his holster, and was met with a bright but entirely silent living room.

He let out a small breath of relief as he reached Rafael’s bedroom and saw the dark mound on his bed that was unmistakably him.

“I can go, if you like?” He whispered into the darkness, watching as Rafael squinted up at him from the darkness, a fond barely-there smile forming on his lips.

His relief doubled when Raf asked him to stay, and he was quick to abandon the food to join his boyfriend on the bed. He wanted to be close, and he hoped Raf had the same idea.

“I was worried,” he whispered against Rafael’s hair. “Thought you were… I dunno, you could have been dead. I was worried you were.”

He instantly wished he could take the admission back, knowing his partner would already be feeling guilty without the need to add to it. He wished desperately that he could take all the pain away, if only to make life easier for Rafael. He figured it must be exhausting to have so many opposing thoughts paralysing you as they fought each other inside your brain. He knew from experience it was, but to experience on a near-daily basis would be something else entirely, and it made his heart ache knowing there was nothing he could do.

He was aware of the warm sensation of lips on his jaw, an apology ghosting over his skin, and he had to hold back a sigh.

“Nah, it’s okay. Just… maybe text me next time?”

“It’s… yeah, okay.”

He squeezed Rafael a little closer to him, trying to choose his words carefully. He wondered if Rafael thought he didn’t want to hear it, wasn’t interested, or just plain didn’t understand. And he supposed, really, he didn’t understand. His darkness was limited, and his worries were just the kind that came with the job, which, while sometimes overwhelming, were manageable. He could never understand first hand exactly what Rafael felt, and the helplessness made him want to cry.

“I dunno, maybe… We gotta have a plan in place, yeah? A ‘the world is too much right now, but I’m alive’ plan. I dunno what yet, but we’ll think of something.”

He felt Rafael shudder as he breathed out and wondered, for a moment, if he was going to cry. But he seemed to find some resolve, removing himself from Sonny’s arms to get up, a determined smile on his face

“I see you brought food,” Rafael said, and Sonny found himself smiling right back.

“Yeah,” he said with a laugh, hopping off the bed and scooping the bag up as he passed. “Brought my favourite movie, too.”

He held up the ratty DVD, pleased when Rafael rolled his eyes and jumped to action, grabbing the bag of food from his hand as he left the room.

“What, Terminator not your style?” He teased, snaking his arms around Rafael’s middle, purposely annoying him. Because he knew, really, Rafael wasn’t annoyed in the slightest. This type of annoyed Rafael meant a happy Rafael, and it warmed him all over to know he could flip the switch like that, even if only for a moment.

“Do I look like the kind of person who enjoys Terminator?”

Sonny laughed, letting Rafael shrug him off before flowing him into the living room. And when they sat together, thighs as close as they could be, Sonny’s elbows knocking into Rafael as he gestured, providing over-the-top commentary for his entertainment, Sonny thought that, despite all its imperfections, their life together was actually pretty perfect.


End file.
